It’s been two years since she passed away. I never thought that we would spend the rest of our lives together, but I never imagine my life without her. She left me in the fall, and the holidays, from what I can remember, was a blur. I called the children to wish them a happy thanksgiving and they was quick to tell me about their invitations for the entire holiday season. I didn’t feel that I should impose, besides they had their own lives and I was just a reminder of what they had lost.
It was such a blur after that. I remember leaving home, only to arrive at my destination not remembering anything in between. I just hope I didn’t leave a trail of chaos and havoc.
After new year’s, I did my best to maintain, it was hard. I was at the barbershop listening to the lies. The barber asked what I needed today. I told him I just wanted a hair cut and to just cut it all off, since there was not much there to begin with. While he was cutting, one guy said (as though he knew what I was going through) if you want to deal with your problems all you have to do is listen to other peoples problems and your’s won’t seem so bad. Wow, the barber cut my hair, even trimmed up my mustache and beard, I paid him with a tip and I was out of there.
I meandered through that year, sometimes in a daze but most of the time thinking about the times we had. I am thankful I have these memories. Don’t know what’s gonna happen when my mind goes.
When the holidays rolled around again, I didn’t know what to expect. I called the children again and it was basically the same thing. I wished them a happy thanksgiving, a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
As I did on her birthday, valentines day, Christmas and mother’s day, I went to see her and brought her some flowers. I’d come back home and look through some old photos and as always the faucet opens up. Sometime you don’t realize it until you look in a window (in public) and see the tracks running down your face. I was so embarrassed when a little girl said to her mother, “mama that man’s been crying”
When you have been married for 30 years to someone you dated in high school, at this point there is no starting over, no replacement and no prescription that can ease the pain.
Was listening to one of those TV preachers saying.. If you want to ease your pain you have to ease someone else’s pain. To help yourself, you need to help others. It took me a minute, but I got it.