Nothing will motivate a man to move forward faster than knowing what's behind Him.

Archive for November, 2013

How Did We Get To This Point And Where Do We Go From Here?

We were just two friends growing up together, discovering life and all of its joys and disappointments.   When we met the girls with the same outlook and ambitions, we never imagined that 5 years would pass and all four of us were still looking with no prospects in sight, or so we thought.     One would go on a date and it was apparent that it didn’t go well.   We would often go roller skating, bowling or to a movie as a foursome.   It was always fun and ended very well.  There were no expectations, which probably led to no disappointments.   For some reason, we thought that because we knew each other so well, there would be no way that there would be a marriage within this little group. 

The girls talked intimately about their dates and we talked about our dates, the good the bad and the ugly.    Never did we ever imagined that we would ever marry someone that we shared so much with.   You would expect that you would loose respect for them and could not fall in love with them.   Love is a strange animal.    It will sneak up behind you and pounce and you will be defenseless and at it’s mercy.   

It had gotten old hearing about another’s outings so that discussion after a date had diminished over about a year.    The realization of this came about when one of the girls announced that she was pregnant.  Me and my partner was going to make sure he was going to do right by her.   Well, it wasn’t that simple.  It was then that we realized that neither one of us had any sex outside of the group for over a year.   We suddenly realized that one of us was the father.  We were all reflecting on the booty calls and which one was the booty call that did it.   Was it her that called one of us or was it one of us that called her.    Was it one of the times we were in the Jacuzzi?  Was it one of the holiday celebrations?   Was it a birthday celebration?   We will be scratching our heads for some time to come.   Not to mention the fact that we still don’t know which one of us is the father.  

We decided without reservation that the child would have two fathers and two mothers.   However, the subject of marriage did come up.   We never thought of marriage within the group.   when in discussion, there was always a rejection on what a marriage should be, the ideals of what a marriage is and what roll a husband and wife played in a marriage.  So, marrying one of these women was totally out of the question.  Until now.   Do we get a test to see who is the father, and let that be the deciding factor  or do we draw straws?  Either way someone is going to get what’s leftover.    A default marriage if you will.  

The subject of marriage brought up a lot of questions.   Who’s gonna marry who?  How will the dynamic change?   Will the couples become exclusive to each other or will it stay the same?    Will privacy between the couples become an issue?   What is it going to be like marrying someone who has/had casual sex with someone you are still friends with.    What is it going to be like just being friends with your former casual sex partner of which your best friend is now married to? 

One thing for sure these will not be conventional  relationships on any level.  

The Solar Energy Equation

power needed x 2 = inverter power

if you needed 250 watts

250 X 2 = 500

500 would be your inverter power

inverter power / 500 = batteries @ 100ah

500 / 500 = 1 battery @ 100am

if your inverter power was 750-1000 watts you would want 2 batteries @ 100ah

if your inverter power was 2000 watts you would want 4 100ah batteries.

solar panels =  90 watts x 100ah batteries

if you had 1 100ah battery you would want 90 watts of solar panels to be useful  

keep in mind that 15 watts = approx. 1 amp.   an ideal charging rate is 10 amps which is about 150 watts.  

if you had 2 100ah batteries you would want 180 watts of solar panels.

Don’t get me wrong, you can have a 45 watt solar panel system but don’t let your battery go flat 11.9 volts you will be days on end to top off your 100ah battery


The ideal beginner solar system would be 500 watt inverter, 1 100ah battery and 90 watts of solar panels.   

Never Imagined My Life Without Her (Part #2)

November 14, 2013

I was shopping at one of my favorite tools stores.  I had some coupons for some moving blankets and decided to get a couple.  I use them to lay on when I’m working on the car.   One time at the park we used one to lay on the ground.   We ordered pizza and watched the crowd.  Yes we were in our own little world.   One couple walked by and the woman chunked him in the side and asked him “why don’t we ever do stuff like that”. 

A few weeks later I was leaving a town meeting when I noticed a few homeless people and remembered what the TV preacher said about helping someone.  I pulled over and gave him one of the blankets. then another one showed up and I gave him one also.    The preacher was right, it felt pretty good.  I think I’ll get a few more next week.    It really took my mind off those idiots at the town meeting.

  I then started thinking about more of  the times, the times I had with her.   We went on a weekend excursion at a nice motel.   when the next morning came we didn’t remember what happened nor could me imagine what happened, even with the evidence right in front of us, we could not believe what it implied actually took place.   We did everything we could to remove everything, clean everything that implied such a thing took place.  Every time we saw a show about forensics, CSI, NCSI we questioned if we left anything behind.     It all ended when we set up a video camera.   We had forgotten about it until about 2 months had passed.  We were watching SVU and remembered that we hadn’t watched the video.   We pulled it out, set it up and watched and watched…..and….watched.   Have you ever watched something you didn’t want to look at but you could not take your eyes off it?

What he  (I say he because it may have looked like me but it wasn’t me) was doing to her should never be done to anyone, sad part is that she seem to be enjoying it.   As she was watching, she seem to be getting mad at me.  But in the video, when it was all done, She was thanking me with a big old smile on her face.  Oh, and she had something for me also.  It wasn’t pretty either.  That’s all I’m going to say about the video accept that we not only destroyed the video but also the camera.   We never par-took in any alcohol or anything else after that.   Not to call any names, but I remember certain family members who drank and actually became a different person, and yes they claimed that they could not remember what they had done.   Up until then, I thought they were lying.   Alcohol and any other mind altering substance should never be sold.

The next week I went to my favorite tool store to redeem some coupons that I got from the Sunday paper.   I bought 10 of those blankets.  had to make two trips into the store as there were a limit on each coupon.  

I went to the same area as before and handed out several blankets, then I saw a young lady with a little girl.  I asked her what was she doing out here.  She said the best that I can.    It was apparent that she was homeless.   I didn’t know what to say or think.   I asked her if she would like to have a blanket.   She replied  “what am I going to do with a blanket I don’t have a bed to put it on”.   This is way over my head and I can’t to this day believe what I said.   I said “I have a bed”.  wow.   Have you ever said something and wished you could just reach out and grab it and put it back in your mouth.    well it don’t work like that.   She looked at me and held the little girl close and took a few steps back.   I had an idea of what she may have been thinking but I could only say “I have a bed you can sleep in” even that didn’t come out right.   She turn and walked away in a hurry.    Didn’t even take the blanket.    I handed out a few more blankets and headed home.

  On my way home I was thinking about one of the times I returned home from fishing.   I had several nice size Brim in a bucket, all about the size of your hand.   I set them outside on the porch to clean later.   She just had to see them, she wanted to see what real fish (as she call it) looked like.   she leaned over and look in the bucket and just as she did one fish decided to greet her.   It started flapping up and down, she screamed and it was apparent that the fish scared the living daylights out of her.   She claimed that the fish splashed the water down her leg and she never wavered from that premise.  I’m home, hope I didn’t run any stop signs or red lights because I remember nothing.   

The next morning, I was thinking about the young homeless lady with the child.  Why wasn’t she in a women’s shelter.  I looked up women’s shelters in the area and contacted a few of them.  A lady at one of the the shelters told me that some women don’t trust the shelters and would rather take their chances on the street.

I had to return a jump starter to my favorite tool store.  I went ahead and picked up a few more (Limit 6 per coupon)  blankets.   one curious thing happened while at the store.  I decided to get a few casters for a project I am working on.   I asked the clerk if one of the casters qualified for  the 25% off coupon.  She said yes.   When she rung it up, it appeared to have  taken 25% off the returned item, which nullified the deduction all together.   I called her on it and she ended up deducting more than the 25%.    From now on, I will be conducting all my return transaction separately, then come back in and do my shopping.   It seems that it can get complicated for those clerks.     Anyway I got it all straightened out and all was well.  

I was also told many times that if you keep busy, it would help you.   Some how it is suppose to keep you from becoming overwhelmed with grief.   Seems like it only puts it off until later.    Do I really want to get through the grief?  Do I really want to get back to a normal life?  How can things be normal without her here with me?

Went to the lumber store to pick up some supplies to start my new project.   As I headed down to the lumber isle an “Associate” asked if he could help me.   I said that I needed to pick up 10 2x4x8’s.  Then he asked me “are you ready for this” what size did I need?   I then informed he that in answer to his question, no sir you can’t help me.   Where do they find these people?  What qualifications are required to work at a home improvement store.   Surely common sense is one of them.  But then, some people will look and act stupid because they really don’t want to help you  “for what ever reason”. 

Nails check,  2×4’s check, OSB check, shingles check, nuts, washers, bolts for the casters check, hinges check, pull handle check, hasp check, and now to the checkout. 

Never Imagined My Life Without Her (Part #1)


It’s been two years since she passed away. I never thought that we would spend the rest of our lives together, but I never imagine my life without her. She left me in the fall, and the holidays, from what I can remember, was a blur. I called the children to wish them a happy thanksgiving and they was quick to tell me about their invitations for the entire holiday season. I didn’t feel that I should impose, besides they had their own lives and I was just a reminder of what they had lost.

It was such a blur after that. I remember leaving home, only to arrive at my destination not remembering anything in between. I just hope I didn’t leave a trail of chaos and havoc.

After new year’s, I did my best to maintain, it was hard. I was at the barbershop listening to the lies. The barber asked what I needed today. I told him I just wanted a hair cut and to just cut it all off, since there was not much there to begin with. While he was cutting, one guy said (as though he knew what I was going through) if you want to deal with your problems all you have to do is listen to other peoples problems and your’s won’t seem so bad. Wow, the barber cut my hair, even trimmed up my mustache and beard, I paid him with a tip and I was out of there.

I meandered through that year, sometimes in a daze but most of the time thinking about the times we had. I am thankful I have these memories. Don’t know what’s gonna happen when my mind goes.

When the holidays rolled around again, I didn’t know what to expect. I called the children again and it was basically the same thing. I wished them a happy thanksgiving, a merry Christmas and a happy new year.

As I did on her birthday, valentines day, Christmas and mother’s day, I went to see her and brought her some flowers. I’d come back home and look through some old photos and as always the faucet opens up. Sometime you don’t realize it until you look in a window (in public) and see the tracks running down your face. I was so embarrassed when a little girl said to her mother, “mama that man’s been crying”

When you have been married for 30 years to someone you dated in high school, at this point there is no starting over, no replacement and no prescription that can ease the pain.

Was listening to one of those TV preachers saying.. If you want to ease your pain you have to ease someone else’s pain. To help yourself, you need to help others. It took me a minute, but I got it.

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